


Of Wally-Crawly Harnesses and Over-Enthusiastic Hat-Bestowing Capabilities

by TheOceanIsMyInkwell



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Knitting, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, i'm still giggling about it though, this starts out at a 10 on a scale of ridiculousness and just gets progressively worse from there, tony is a knitting fiend and you cannot convince me otherwise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:49:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23897077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOceanIsMyInkwell/pseuds/TheOceanIsMyInkwell
Summary: Tony raises a brow at him in triumph, then sniffs and rubs the side of his nose. “Besides, think of it this way. Now you got a bullet-proof neck.”“Nobody would even shoot a sad-looking orphan bundled like a spring roll in Red Heart yarn,” Peter points out. “That’s just low.”“Excuseme, young buck, I resent the implication that I would letRed Heartcome within an inch of your skin.”“You’re insufferable,” Peter says flatly. “I hate you.”“And just for that, I think this calls for those wool socks I was working on,” Tony says brightly.“No--no,wait--”“It’s time to learn that your consequences have actions, Parker--”“Wait, wait, I love your knitting, I think it’s super healthy and fulfilling and honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to you since you retired!” Peter hollers at the man’s figure as it retreats quickly down the hallway.--After Peter faints into hibernation because he can't thermoregulate, Tony isn't taking anymore chances. Out come the wool skeins and the knitting needles.
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 73
Kudos: 396
Collections: Peter Parker Stories, ellie marvel fics - read, god tier spider-man fics





	Of Wally-Crawly Harnesses and Over-Enthusiastic Hat-Bestowing Capabilities

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notapartytrick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notapartytrick/gifts).



> this is for my homie Daisy who officially turns 16 in the next couple hours!! you're growing way too fast for me honey I genuinely feel like I'm having a Protective Tony Stark crisis over you every other day D: Happy birthday, my pal, my ride or die, ya funky little whumper!! I hope this puts a smile on your face on your special, special day! <3
> 
> In response to prompt #30 from [this drabble challenge](https://theoceanismyinkwell.tumblr.com/post/190336432688/the-way-you-said-i-love-you): " _I love you_ , said too quickly, mumbled into your scarf."

“This is ridiculous,” says Peter.

“You’re ridiculous,” says Tony.

“Your _mothering_ all over me with scarves and mittens is what’s ridiculous,” says Peter.

Just for that, Tony winds the probably-six-foot-long red and gold scarf one more time around Peter’s neck and gives it a little yank. “You know what’s ridiculous? Huh? You fainting in the middle of taco night because _somebody_ had the self-sacrificial idea to leave out the damn _oh I’m part arachnid and I hibernate in the middle of December_ disclaimer. Right in front of my Christmas _salad_.”

The boy tries to bat away Tony’s ministrations, to no avail. The man simply clucks his tongue and slaps at Pete’s fingers, and the kid settles for a sulky squint up at him.

“You bought that salad,” Peter points out. “Also, we’ve gone over this, I’m Hufflepuff, not Gryffindor.” He scoops up the end of the scarf that’s dragging across the tile of the foyer and waves the tassels of...diverse lengths in his mentor’s face.

Tony scoffs. “Psh, if you think for a second I would sully my fine ass knitting skills with a reference to J.K. Rowling, you’ve got another thing coming, Webkins. I was clearly going for the OG Iron Man colors.”

Peter rolls him another look.

“What can I say? My narcissism knows no bounds.”

“You are _not_ narcissistic, you’re snarky and caring with emotional attachment issues.”

“Ouch, kid, if I wanted to be read my tarot cards today I would’ve called up Wanda instead.”

“The only thing I’m reading you is your Miranda rights,” Peter gripes. “Your addiction to knitting is just criminal.” He struggles to escape Tony’s grip but utterly fails as the man proceeds to shove a navy and maroon honeycomb-patterned beanie on his head.

Complete with a three-inch glittery pom-pom on top.

Peter’s gotta admit that Tony’s technique is actually impeccable, barring the absolutely garish choice of color scheme and texture.

“I’m retired. Disabled. Bored out of my mind, and your little sister is such a baby boss menace that she had the audacity to be allergic to _acrylic_ and _wool_.”

“Boo-hoo,” says Peter. “Can I go now?” He blows a stray curl from the fringe now covering his eyes, thanks to Tony’s overly enthusiastic hat-bestowing capabilities.

“Got your gloves?”

In answer, Peter humors him by raising his swaddled hands and wiggling his fingers.

“And the mittens?”

Peter wiggles said appendages again, a bit more insistently.

“Hat? Check. What about your gaiter, kid?”

Peter slaps Tony’s chest with the fringe of his scarf. “You’ve already got me in a noose in this thing, I doubt your conscience is seared enough to actually choke me with one more layer around my neck.”

“My conscience is beyond seared. I’m letting you walk through that door and live and _breathe_ outside in the middle of January.”

Peter’s mouth drops open in offense, but Tony cuts him off by adding, “Also, please tell me you’re not heartless enough to just ignore my foresight. Six feet of scarf is just the perfect length--doubles as a harness for special baby wally-crawlies like you.”

“I’m _sixteen_.”

“Sweet,” says Tony. “And if you don’t mind, I’d like to make sure you get to seventeen.”

“Statistically, there’s a lot more likely ways that could not happen. I’m Spider-Man.”

Tony levels him with a glare. “You actually think this is helping?”

Peter has the decency to look vaguely abashed. 

Tony just raises a brow at him in triumph, then sniffs and rubs the side of his nose. “Besides, think of it this way. Now you got a bullet-proof neck.”

“Nobody would even shoot a sad-looking orphan bundled like a spring roll in Red Heart yarn,” Peter points out. “That’s just low.”

“Ex _cuse_ me, young buck, I resent the implication that I would let _Red Heart_ come within an inch of your skin.”

“You’re insufferable,” Peter says flatly. “I hate you.”

“And just for that, I think this calls for those wool socks I was working on,” Tony says brightly.

“No--no, _wait_ \--”

“It’s time to learn that your consequences have actions, Parker--”

“Wait, wait, I love your knitting, I think it’s super healthy and fulfilling and honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to you since you retired!” Peter hollers at the man’s figure as it retreats quickly down the hallway.

Tony pauses, makes a show of swiveling on his heel to face the kid again. “Uh-huh. Keep talking.”

Peter looks like he’s just sucked on an entire lemon, but to his credit, he keeps going like the stuttering little bundle of teenage disaster that he is. “I like the scarf, and the hat, and the”--Peter swallows--“neat little...pom-pom on top. I think it’s...very...productive and...thoughtful of you. Mr. Stark. Sir.”

“Almost there. I can almost taste the genuine remorse.”

“And--and--Morgan is sooo unlucky that she doesn’t get to wear any of the stuff her dad knits for her because it’s...um...very beautiful.”

“Not bad,” says Tony, with a full-blown, shit-eating smirk on his face now. “Still something missing, though…”

“And--uh--”

“Uh-huh?”

“--Uh, _Iloveyoulots okay thank you bye_ ,” Peter blurts out, mumbled, way too quickly into the pocket of hot breath in the stripey acrylic mass around his mouth and neck. His eyes widen to the size of goddamn buttons, and a wash of tomato red descends on his face with a vengeance before he turns and makes a dash for the door.

“Uh-uh-uh!” Tony shoots out his bionic hand and--curse technology that makes Mr. Stark’s reflexes like lightning, _honestly_ \--in less than a second he snags Peter by the back of his scarf and hauls him back.

“Say that again, one more time, this time with clarity and feeling,” Tony says sweetly. Oh, Peter is so gonna murder him, he’s gonna murder him _dead_. He’s gonna go--synthesize _cyanide_ or something and--dump it in all of his fucking Christmas salads if it’s the last thing he does.

“I love you, you love me, it’s a symbiotic relationship, we cool now?” Peter says in a rush. “Can I go now?”

“Tony!”

Both superheroes startle and jump at the chip of Pepper’s voice down the hallway.

“Tony, where’s the pizza? Did you seriously _lose_ Peter sending him out to get it?”

Tony and Peter share a nervous glance with each other, a glance that soon turns into a sensation of dread in the pit of Tony’s stomach as a Cheshire-like grin slowly spreads across the kid’s face.

Oh, he does not trust spiders. He does not trust them one bit.

Without breaking eye contact with his mentor, Peter calls back down the hallway, “Sorry, Mrs. Pepper! I think your husband just lost me in about twelve pounds of wool socks and anxiety.”

Tony points a finger in the kid’s face and hisses, “For the record, _you_ said you love _me_ , not the other way around.”

Peter beams up at him beatifically. “Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Unacceptable.

Criminal.

Tony demands a refund on all eight-legged adoptions, thank you very much.

**Author's Note:**

> this was ridiculous. i hope you know i know this was ridiculous. did you smile? did you laugh?? GIVE ME THE FEEDBACK ok thanks i love you byyyyye <3 -kaleb
> 
> muh tumblr: theoceanismyinkwell  
> muh insta: kc.barrie


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